Are you really listening?

"If one gives an answer before he hears, it is his folly and shame." Proverbs 18:13

It shouldn't be hard to believe that we have an opportunity to build someone up simply by listening to them. As women, we hear or understand the simple phrase, "I just wanted him to listen." My husband is a fixer, and he epitomizes the man that wants to fix instead of listen. I recognize now that he is built that way; he isn't me, and I cannot expect him to react or be as subtle and passive as I tend to be. In fact, I love that he is blunt and straight-forward. So, when my husband wants to fix my problems instead of listening, I usually realize I need to find someone else to talk to, whether my mom or another female friend, or the best friend I have in Jesus Christ.

I opened this brief section with Proverbs 18:13 because I recognized where I often fail with this verse. I often become distracted with my own life, even while a friend could be confiding private things to me. What kind of response must I give when I am so distracted I don't really listen?

Shamefully, I have one experience in particular that haunts me to this day because it is the worst advice or opinion I have ever given. A friend had been struggling with her marriage for two years; I had heard her stories, struggles and frustrations repeatedly. She had spoken to me about divorcing her husband several times, and I had encouraged her to utilize counseling resources, bought them books to work through, and listened to her vent time and time again. Finally, I ran out of patience, and instead of turning to Christ for a reserve of strength and patience, I blurted out the response I feel guilty over still today; I told her she ought to do something or just stop talking about it.

Thinking of this particular situation, I gave an answer before I heard her entire story that day. It might have been the same story I had heard before, but it was not fair for me to jump to my response. To this day, I feel that I could have better encouraged her to work through the difficult marriage simply by hearing her frustration and hurt that day, and it is to my shame and folly I did not hear her like a real friend should have.

Since becoming a mother, I find my mind often preoccupied and life full of three year old emergencies at some of the worst possible times. As much as I would love to think I can multi-task, my REAL focus is either very torn and distracted, or I am really only focused on one thing while I half-heartedly do others.

Television is a terrible distraction for me. If I have to have a serious conversation, I prefer the television be turned off or else I forget something important said or that I need to say. Recognizing we cannot focus is the first step to avoiding later regret. Asking a friend to call back or scheduling a time to really give them your attention may not be opportune, but it will free you to give them the real encouraging listener they want.

Just the other day, I had a phone call from a friend, where she shared wonderful news; however, within five minutes of my conversation with Tessa, my three year old had world shattering need (really not world shattering, but to him it was!). Not knowing what else to do, I simply asked Tessa if I could call her back at a time when she could have more of my attention. It was that simple. I wanted to give my friend the focus and attention she needed and deserved.

Is there someone that you need to listen to right now? Why not give her a call or set up a coffee date to really listen to one another?