Five years, today, I am married to my husband, and with all the ups and downs that come, he remains my best friend and the love of my life. I’m incredibly blessed to share this life with him, and God has and will continue to use him in many ways to draw me nearer to Him. I’d love to tell you all that my marriage is perfect, always full of rainbows and butterflies, but that’s not true. Some days it’s absolutely wonderful, near perfect, but other days are UGLY. Adam and I have plenty of moments where words or reactions are regretted, and that's only in a few short years!
As a military spouse, I have unfortunately seen several marriages fall apart: couples that don’t understand how to be friends, couples battling one another instead of together, couples crumbling against the unpredictable stress of marriage and the military. Every couple has battles, and it’s our response to those battles that will either build our marriage or build a wall. So, I wanted to take a moment today to share three things I have learned in the last several years.
Fight beside your husband, not with your husband. I try to remember always that Adam and I are a team; we are husband and wife and “one flesh” (Gen. 2:24). “Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour” (1 Peter 5:8). He eagerly awaits an opportunity to divide and conquer. My mother told me before getting married that she did not want me to be alone in my marriage; she said you can be alone and married or alone and single. If you think about that, it might seem crazy, but I’ve had a few friends that have felt alone their entire marriage. I have felt the sting of being emotionally alone at times in my own, and it’s far better to be one with Adam and feel the encouragement of his friendship. If you look at Ecclesiastes 4:9-12, you are reminded how beneficial two are compared to one. The New Living Translation reads “Two people are better off than one, for they can help each other succeed.” Verses 10-12 add that with two there is someone to lift you up when you fall, together you stay warm (especially in Northern New York), and two are able to withstand an enemy and are not quickly broken. I could elaborate on those, but aren’t those reasons enough to stand beside one another?
Words are weapons. If you don’t believe me, flip to James 3:1-12. After having our son, my husband made a simple comment about my weight loss and thighs, not at all unkindly, but ladies, I’m pretty sure 45% of women hate their thighs and this did not go over well! For several months his words hurt me, and I looked unhappily at my thighs. However, learning more about my husband in the three years since then, I now laugh over knowing how he said what he did not mean, and meant something he did not say. A simple comment, harsh words, or argument can build a wall up between you and your spouse; likewise, a kind, encouraging word could multiply or strengthen the bonds between you. There are several resources out there that remind us what our husband needs (and what we need as women and wives), so simply put, please remember “an encouraging word cheers a person up” (Prov.12:25). I'll share some marriage and relationship resources I enjoy at the end.
There is power in prayer. Several years ago there was a difficult family situation for me, and someone mentioned that I should pray for something so big that I knew if it happened, only God could have done it. I can guarantee that several others were in prayer over this as well, and that big thing which I'm unable to share specifically, it worked out when all odds were against it. 1 John 5:14 say, “This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to his will, he hears us.” It's good to know we are heard by the God of the universe and he answers us, even when the answer is not always what I want. Recently I prayed that our orders to be re-stationed with the military would keep us on the east coast, closer to family. You can guess that we aren't staying on the east coast; Missouri, here we come! Regardless, He heard me according to his Word, and he doesn't love me any less. Sometimes all I want is simply to be heard in my hurt, frustration or anger, and He listens, and he heard me complain recently about Missouri too. But, He listened.
I, or anyone else, could give hundreds of pieces of advice, and I hate to admit that I’ve given some bad advice in my lifetime and probably recently. So, I give you this last verse, perhaps make it a goal to memorize (as I know I need to memorize it). “Every word of God proves true; he is a shield to those who take refuge in him” Proverbs 30:5. God’s Word will give you the truth in all things. So, I urge you not to take my word, but to take God’s Word, where you find truth for your feelings, truth for your marriage, truth for your friendships, and truth for when your husband tells you your thighs look big (okay, so maybe not that, but you are precious and dearly loved, but that’s for another day).
As promised, here are some of my favorite relationship and marriage resources:
Shaunti Feldhahn's "for women only" also "for men only"
Kevin Leman's "7 Things He'll Never Tell You"
Kevin Leman's "Sheet Music" (this is an intimate book, BEWARE!)
Stormie Omartian's "Power of a Praying Wife"
The Five Love Languages
...among many others, which I'd be happy to share if you are looking for another good read!
As a military spouse, I have unfortunately seen several marriages fall apart: couples that don’t understand how to be friends, couples battling one another instead of together, couples crumbling against the unpredictable stress of marriage and the military. Every couple has battles, and it’s our response to those battles that will either build our marriage or build a wall. So, I wanted to take a moment today to share three things I have learned in the last several years.
Fight beside your husband, not with your husband. I try to remember always that Adam and I are a team; we are husband and wife and “one flesh” (Gen. 2:24). “Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour” (1 Peter 5:8). He eagerly awaits an opportunity to divide and conquer. My mother told me before getting married that she did not want me to be alone in my marriage; she said you can be alone and married or alone and single. If you think about that, it might seem crazy, but I’ve had a few friends that have felt alone their entire marriage. I have felt the sting of being emotionally alone at times in my own, and it’s far better to be one with Adam and feel the encouragement of his friendship. If you look at Ecclesiastes 4:9-12, you are reminded how beneficial two are compared to one. The New Living Translation reads “Two people are better off than one, for they can help each other succeed.” Verses 10-12 add that with two there is someone to lift you up when you fall, together you stay warm (especially in Northern New York), and two are able to withstand an enemy and are not quickly broken. I could elaborate on those, but aren’t those reasons enough to stand beside one another?
Words are weapons. If you don’t believe me, flip to James 3:1-12. After having our son, my husband made a simple comment about my weight loss and thighs, not at all unkindly, but ladies, I’m pretty sure 45% of women hate their thighs and this did not go over well! For several months his words hurt me, and I looked unhappily at my thighs. However, learning more about my husband in the three years since then, I now laugh over knowing how he said what he did not mean, and meant something he did not say. A simple comment, harsh words, or argument can build a wall up between you and your spouse; likewise, a kind, encouraging word could multiply or strengthen the bonds between you. There are several resources out there that remind us what our husband needs (and what we need as women and wives), so simply put, please remember “an encouraging word cheers a person up” (Prov.12:25). I'll share some marriage and relationship resources I enjoy at the end.
There is power in prayer. Several years ago there was a difficult family situation for me, and someone mentioned that I should pray for something so big that I knew if it happened, only God could have done it. I can guarantee that several others were in prayer over this as well, and that big thing which I'm unable to share specifically, it worked out when all odds were against it. 1 John 5:14 say, “This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to his will, he hears us.” It's good to know we are heard by the God of the universe and he answers us, even when the answer is not always what I want. Recently I prayed that our orders to be re-stationed with the military would keep us on the east coast, closer to family. You can guess that we aren't staying on the east coast; Missouri, here we come! Regardless, He heard me according to his Word, and he doesn't love me any less. Sometimes all I want is simply to be heard in my hurt, frustration or anger, and He listens, and he heard me complain recently about Missouri too. But, He listened.
I, or anyone else, could give hundreds of pieces of advice, and I hate to admit that I’ve given some bad advice in my lifetime and probably recently. So, I give you this last verse, perhaps make it a goal to memorize (as I know I need to memorize it). “Every word of God proves true; he is a shield to those who take refuge in him” Proverbs 30:5. God’s Word will give you the truth in all things. So, I urge you not to take my word, but to take God’s Word, where you find truth for your feelings, truth for your marriage, truth for your friendships, and truth for when your husband tells you your thighs look big (okay, so maybe not that, but you are precious and dearly loved, but that’s for another day).
As promised, here are some of my favorite relationship and marriage resources:
Shaunti Feldhahn's "for women only" also "for men only"
Kevin Leman's "7 Things He'll Never Tell You"
Kevin Leman's "Sheet Music" (this is an intimate book, BEWARE!)
Stormie Omartian's "Power of a Praying Wife"
The Five Love Languages
...among many others, which I'd be happy to share if you are looking for another good read!
Zach and I read Love & Respect by a few years ago and it was amazing. The book was great but the best part was that we sat down and spent time talking about each other's needs. It was an eye opener and completely changed our marriage. http://www.amazon.com/Love-Respect-Desires-Desperately-Needs/dp/1594153205
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