This week, I have been served a massive helping of humble pie. Sunday's Super Bowl party left this woman a little too partied; I drank too much. I have spent the last day brewing over how to confess my sin via the blog, and whether I should or not. Ultimately, I decided I would openly shame myself, possibly jeopardizing the willingness of people to follow my blog, and to confess that I messed up. Why? Because I needed some humble pie. I would be going against the very transparency I wanted to portray by starting this if I pretended I never messed up.
I cannot justify my poor choices that led to drunkenness. I can share my confession, my prayer, and the promise of forgiveness I have because of a repentant heart. Let me first share some of my prayer that I wrote in my journal last night:
"Lord, I really messed up, and I feel such regret and failure. I drank way too much last night...Lord, thank you for this guilt, this shame, recognizing how I have failed you, disappointed you - I missed or possibly ruined an opportunity to witness to others.
I am sorry, God. I'm sorry for drinking so much my mouth and words were unguarded. I'm sorry for not being more like Christ [in the way I behaved]. I confess I sinned, and I am sorry. Please, Lord, please forgive me...God, I hope I have an opportunity to continue to write to bring others to you and encourage their walks.
Lord, give me a repentant heart. Help me not to go overboard with alcohol again. Please, God, forgive me for drinking too much. Forgive me also for my failure to bring you glory and honor. Help me to start each day anew in your forgiveness; may I bring you honor in ALL I do. In Jesus' name, Amen."
This morning, my quiet time was spent in Daniel 9, where Daniel prayers for his people, and I didn't feel so alone, but I also felt guided in my prayers this morning. My cry this morning is like that of David's in Psalm 38:18; he says, "I confess my iniquity; I am sorry for my sin" (ESV). That's my cry to God today. Daniel 9:3-4 reads, "then I turned my face to the Lord God, seeking him by prayer and pleas for mercy with fasting and sackcloth and ashes. I prayed to the Lord my God and made confession." Daniel also prays, "we have entreated the favor of the Lord our God, turning from our iniquities and gaining insight by your truth." (Daniel 9:13). And, finally in verse 18, he declares, "for we do not present our pleas before you because of our righteousness, but because of your great mercy."
I praise God that in this chapter, these verses, I found direction, encouragement, and hope for my failure. First, you see that Daniel goes to God, confessing and seeking forgiveness, which was my first step last evening after a day of shameful recovery, and again I prayed this morning. "Turning from [my] iniquities" and in hopes of "gaining insight," I am attempting a fast for a better part of the day, spending time instead in God's Word and in prayer. You won't find me in sackcloth, but I am bearing my heart to you, as well as my intimate conversations with God. In verse 18, I found my greatest hope and encouragement; it is not by my righteousness I present my request for forgiveness, but because God is merciful, I can trust that he forgives me. So, I humbly admit to you all my faults and this particular failure. Perhaps you have some sin in your life, perhaps nothing this major, but you, too, can come before our father in confession and trust that by HIS mercy and righteousness he forgives. Praise the Lord.
"If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness." 1 John 1:9
(This is an incredibly honest and weighty topic for me to share with you all, so I ask you for forgiveness and for understanding. I know this may not be what you wanted to be encouraged by or read on my blog, but in an earnest desire to be transparent, I wrote this. I truly am in the "trenches", working through the muck of sin and failure, and hopefully I am not alone.)
Wow! Just that fact that you are being transparent like this is an act of God's work in your life. Something my husband told me when I was dealing with the weight of how crappy a person I am was that God sees no sin when He looks at me. He has already forgiven all my sins and I do not need to seek His forgiveness but repentance, forgiveness of self and bringing myself back to communion with Him. Recognizing our sin and how dreadful of a people we are in comparison to Christ is what drives us to become more like Him, rely fully on Him and have a more intimate relationship with Him. These thoughts bright such freedom to me when I messed up. Even though people may see me differently and I may see myself, God's view of me never changes. I stand before Him without blemish, He does not see my sin. This immense love drives me to become more like Him and have full communion with Him. It's so precious! I love it! That's my story :-)
ReplyDeleteGod is faithful and He forgives the repentant heart. Thank you for your transparency. Remember, there is no condemnation in Jesus. Thank Him that you felt conviction. Sometimes we can set ourselves up when we try on our strength. I also say, like Paul, "this wretched flesh, I do what I don't want to do and the things I want to do I don't" You are in good company. Get back up, brush your knees off and keep walking with Jesus. Blessings
ReplyDeleteIt is awesome that you are willing to be so transparent with this and ask for forgiveness. I don't have any issues with drinking, mostly because I just can't stand the taste, but I do have my own vices. My biggest issue, as all those close to me would tell you, is control. I am a control freak! I often have to ask forgiveness for the fact that I take over situations or try to control things I shouldn't, especially when it's God who should be controlling it.
ReplyDelete